To all,
This is entry one: I've spent my life trying to live up to certain expectations. Long story short, I haven't lived up to the expectations I've imposed on myself. In the end, it's only caused me to beat myself up.
Very emotional... but that's not why I made this blog. I've finally made a blog that I haven't directly told anyone about (yet). That means.. I can be completely honest and not worry about who reads it. After all is said and done, if others connect me to this blog, then I won't care.
But this is what I need.
For some reason, I can't open up to others. Not if I'm aware they're reading. Why? I don't fucking know. I have to have some place I'm completely open. That's why Iv'e gone crazy. I'm sorry everyone who means something to me, but for some reason, I haven't actually opened up this "top tier" to anyone... WHY?
WHY?
I have to know... Why me? It's not that I don't care about people... My wife, David, MattDave, Chris, Alex... You all are great friends. But I can't bring myself to show true weakness to you... and I have no idea why. If I truly care about myself... I'll figure this out and eventually open up to my friends. The ones who give themselves up to me. Until then, I hope they can forgive me...
So, my current predicament... Determine what my purpose in life is. Am I supposed to do good? Will I have a positive influence on the world? I'm afraid that either Evil rules this world, and nothing I can do can change it, or I've exceeded my worth, and the world is just waiting for me to pass.
HOW do I accept humanity? I can't explain it, but I feel I /WAS/ destined for more, but now i may have missed that chance. All I can do is treat others with respect, and hope that either I help Good, or Good wins in the end.
<3
Me
